I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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