Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
