Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
