Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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