even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
