can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My dick has a subreddit
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
