A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
