best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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