If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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