Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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