hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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