I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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