Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
