I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
