Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize