what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
