I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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