i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
