It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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