my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
