I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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