ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
