I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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