nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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