Only a mothe r could love this liver
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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