i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
