It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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