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I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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