we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
