His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
