The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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