Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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