I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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