Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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