How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
