After last night, I could never be a politician.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
