its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
