do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
