I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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