we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
