the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
