She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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