she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
