did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
