there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
