your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
