apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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