she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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