I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
