I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
