Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize