Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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