we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
