***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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